all that is gold does not glitter
by tysunkete
Summary: Oneshot. College AU. Allen wonders why he was ever cursed to have an anti-social jackass as his best friend (or enemy?) but he figures it is merely logical that he should torment, I mean, help the guy with his crush on the redhead exchange student. LaviYuu, Allena if you squint.


_Title:_ all that is gold does not glitter

_Fandom:_ DGM

_Characters:_ Allen, Lavi, Kanda, Lenalee

_Warnings:_ for the lulz, they even watch gay porn together come on, kinda explicit towards the end

_Summary: _ Oneshot. College AU. Allen wonders why he was ever cursed to have an anti-social jackass as his best friend (or enemy?) but he figures it is merely logical that he should torment, I mean, help the guy with his crush on the redhead exchange student. LaviYuu, Allena if you squint.

* * *

_-all that is gold does not glitter-_

* * *

Allen thinks his life would be a lot easier if he didn't actually know Kanda Yuu, resident asshole of their second year English lit college cohort. He would even go so far as to say his life would be _almost_ perfect if he wasn't the said student's…punching bag.

Rival.

Enemy.

Favourite person to hurl insults at.

Cursed to be the guy's roommate in first year, flatmate in second year.

The only person somewhat immune to his unnaturally attractive physique and gorgeously long hair.

Or maybe _best friend_, for that matter.

Sometimes Allen just looks at the sky and mouths _why_. _Oh God, why._

To be fair Kanda Yuu had his endearing points, as Allen had to experience first hand through the years because his womanizing guardian knew the other's own gentle guardian since forever, and underneath all that yelling of _beansprout_ and _old man_ _hair_, there was a friend who _cared_.

Kind of.

Not really.

"Oi, brat, get the fuck out of the kitchen, I'm hungry," the devil himself saunters into their pathetically small kitchen—rent in London is ridiculously expensive, now Allen remembers why they are even co-habitating like a homosexual couple (he gags at the thought, ew).

Allen is used to this abusive treatment so all he does is to _not_ move. "Prick," he greets easily, munching on some biscuits. "We're supposed to go for the social tonight to welcome the transfer students," he reminds the other. "If you want to eat, you'll have to make it quick."

"Fuck, I don't care about the stupid gathering for losers," the half-Japanese (Allen has tried to guess the other half, with annoyingly little success. He suspects Kanda doesn't even know it himself, the dork.) man retorts, but the complaint lowers into a more annoyed grudging tone. "Damn you, Lenalee."

Lenalee Lee, if Allen should introduce her, is a goddess. A goddess with an overprotective older brother who just so happens to be a professor in their college that builds robots that will eventually take over the world. She has the most amazing smile and laugh and eyes and everything and Allen thinks she is the only thing worth he ever gotten out of his friendship with Kanda Yuu other than their love-hate affection. The other two have known each other longer than he knows Kanda.

Their trio is kind of a _tight_ thing—with the lady in charge of course. Even Kanda knows not to mess with the girl when she wants her way, and that's the only reason why the anti-social sour face drags his feet behind Allen to enter a bar a few hours later for the said social.

"You guys made it!" Lenalee grins when she spots them, dragging them in towards a corner where some karoke singing was going on before Kanda decides to turn tail and run.

Daisya Barry croons his tunes on the stage with the rest of their cohort either cheering him on or mingling. Allen smiles. He kind of likes their cohort, being pretty international. Miranda Lotto babbles quick German apologies to another girl that he doesn't recognize—probably one of the exchange students—Noise Marie sits chilled at the sofa, Arystar Krory looks far too contented drinking something that looks suspiciously like blood or intense red colouring out of a plastic cup.

Lenalee deposits them at the sofa with Marie and zips off to mingle with the others. Allen can't say it's a good choice to leave them here—Kanda likes Marie enough to actually enjoy (or maybe that was too strong a word) his company, but now they had a front row seat to Daisya's singing.

It wasn't bad, but Allen knows Kanda hates anything to do with words that exit from Daisya's mouth.

"I'm getting the fuck out of here," Kanda mutters, social H.P. already zapped up.

Allen yanks Kanda down by his shirt before the other can leave. "Can you try and pretend that you're not a sad hermit for two hours, at the very least?"

"Why the fuck are you touching me, beansprout?"

"I'm trying to make your life better," Allen insists, hiding a grin as Kanda's scowl grows wider. "After all, your father—"

"Foster father," Kanda snaps immediately.

"—paid me good money to make sure you have a _life_ that doesn't just include me and your sword," Allen pauses, grimacing. "Ugh, that sounded so bad."

"You only have yourself to blame, dumbass."

Lenalee chooses to cut in at that every moment with someone else in tow. The boy has fiery red locks of hair that overflows from a bandana and a grin that rivals toothpaste commercials. He also wears an eyepatch over his right eye, but otherwise dresses normal like a college kid—shirt and low riding tight jeans.

"Guys, this is Lavi," Lenalee introduces, beaming. "He's one of the exchange students from France. Keep him company for a while, yeah?" she says, and then she's gone in the crowd.

"Nice to meet cha," the redhead grins, winking—or blinking, Allen can't tell.

Marie nods and starts the customary small talk on behalf of them all until it trickles down after a few minutes.

"Allen," he introduces himself, and when nothing is heard of the man beside him, not even a grunt, he elbows Kanda. "He's just shy, excuse him," he smiles at the redhead. "Prick," he hisses under his breath. "Be polite."

Kanda jolts like he's being snapped out of a day dream. Allen looks at him curiously—it's not normal for the half Japanese to space out, and catches a nervous clench of the other's jaw.

"K-kanda."

Allen stares because he's _never_ heard Kanda stutter a syllable. The student actually looks _uncomfortable_, instead of his usual snappy glare. What the hell? Allen squints at him harder. It is too dim to pick out Kanda's facial complexion, but he'd daresay it is a tad redder than normal.

"I'm…I'm getting a fucking drink," Kanda bites out, and then he's gone.

"Uh," Lavi blinks, confused. "Did I do something wrong?"

"He's just _really_ shy," Allen says, but he sounds just as baffled.

"Cute," the redhead shrugs. "I suppose I'll see him in class?"

"Sure," Allen offers, taking extra care not to bitch about the wonders of Kanda Yuu. He's the man's best friend, after all. "He'll be the one sitting at the back, trying to blend into wallpaper."

Allen continues to chat with the redhead because he's not actually lacking in social skills, and he discovers that Lavi is a major history geek with the most amazing memory ever. The exchange student is easy going and responds with quick wit and humor that Allen finds himself laughing way too much at. It's odd but it feels like Lavi will fit into their group like he's been there forever, as long as Kanda does his part of grudging acceptance.

Speaking of which, Kanda hasn't appeared back since he went to get a drink, and Allen scans the crowd as Lavi talks on.

It's easy to spot the half Japanese due to the fact that there was always someone trying to hit on him no matter where they are—Allen feels sorry for the girl that gets the brunt of Kanda's glare even before she opens her mouth. Then again, maybe it'd revise her obviously poor taste.

Kanda hangs at the background and does his favourite hobby of ignoring everyone and pretending he's part of the wall, drinking his vodka mix like it offends his existence. Curiously though, his gaze is planted firmly to where Allen is, and Allen raises his eyebrows in question, but the man does not respond. Allen frowns inwardly and catches Lavi's eye as the other continues his story of something that Allen isn't actually listening to, and then Kanda's grip on the cup tightens to the point where it bends.

Huh.

If anything, the way that Kanda is looking over at them is kind of creepy, and he looks back to Lavi again.

"Your hair," he gestures. "It's slipping out."

It isn't at all, but it's an experiment for a hypothesis that forms in his head. Lavi pulls the bandana off and tries to neaten his hair, red bangs spilling over his eyes—Allen absolutely does not miss how Kanda's creepy stare gets more intense like a serial killer. It's like the student's obsidian eyes latches on to the way that Lavi runs his hand through his hair before giving up and leaving the bandana around his neck.

And then Allen sees how Kanda avoids them when Lavi drags Allen towards the counter for another drink. He sees how Kanda doesn't leave the social even though he always leaves Allen behind after the first hour. He sees how Kanda watches wherever the redhead walks to, even when he goes to the washroom.

At the end of the night it's painfully obvious that Kanda Yuu—the ever stoic _Kanda Yuu_—has taken an interest in the redhead.

Huh. He didn't even know Kanda swung that way—then again, he has good reason to be convinced that the student was in a relationship with his right hand. He guesses he learns something new every day.

"So…" he begins when they walk home in the chill winter air. "Lavi's nice."

It's by far the most random and awkward point he's ever brought up, but Allen does it anyway because the result would be more than worth it. Kanda doesn't snap at him like he usually does. Instead, the student keeps walking forward like he's in a daze.

A love sick daze.

This is more excellent than Allen ever thought it would be.

* * *

It is actually less excellent than Allen thought it would be.

He thinks he'd finally see Kanda stumble and try to ask out the man of his apparent dreams—except there was only stumbling, and more stumbling. In fact, even if Kanda was a grade A asshole in his daily life and he wishes a thousand retribution of hot burning suns raining upon the douche's back, it is getting painful to watch Kanda watch Lavi like a serial killer and have absolutely no will to do anything about it.

Kanda disappears the moment Lavi steps into their ten meter radius, which makes it impossible to find the guy in school, much less tease him about his hoarding crush. Even when he returns to their flat, Kanda doesn't return until late doing kendo at the gym, and he never gets more than a sentence out when Kanda's room door slams shut in his face.

Allen gnaws on his pen with frustration and wonders why he's even thinking of Kanda's love life instead of his homework. Possibly because he's supposed to write a reflection on that _Les Misérables_ play they went to see last week, and Kanda exudes the same intensity as Javert after Jean Valjean, albeit with less bread and more intense shadow watching.

It actually comes to a point wherein watching Kanda pine over his crush with his eyes brings a pitiful ache in his heart, because Allen is obviously a guy who cares about his sorry excuse for a best friend who has no clue about guy to guy relationships. Or girl to guy, for that matter.

Therefore, he decides to take things into his own hands.

It's not for his own amusement, of course not.

* * *

Even if Allen is the one with better people skills, he can't exactly say he has experiences to help his suffering best friend out. His weird scar and hair _and_ arm make it far too easy for people to find an excuse to avoid him. Also, Allen is a serious relationship kind of guy, and so far, the only one who ever caught his attention was a girl with a brother who could castrate him with robots. It's not an easy choice.

Thus, his first stop is to a bookstore. He debates between _Waterstones_ or _Foyles_ and _Foyles_ wins out because it's further from campus and less likely to run into someone he knows. Well, he hopes there's more guidance than his brainstorming which ends at 'lock them into a closet'. He's sure Kanda would react violently and Allen actually likes the redhead enough to not subject him to such a horrific collateral death.

The internet spews lists like_ 50 ways to tell someone you like them_ which Allen prints and slips under Kanda's door, but it actually involves Kanda not delving into his Japanese heritage for his ninja skills whenever the redhead is around which doesn't seem to happening anytime soon.

With a sigh he trudges to the romance fiction section, trying to steel his facial expression like he's has a fucking _right_ to be there. Of course he does. It's a free country, even if it isn't America. Allen frowns like a professional critic as he thumbs books out to read the blurbs. They're mostly about the tragedies of social class differentiation to which Allen tucks a couple under his arm—what, he's a Literature student after all—and moves on to the non-fiction section when he figures sop about a female's bosom isn't going to help his goal.

He ends up bringing his choices to the counter, smiling the kind of smile that promises the cashier girl she would never see him again only because he was never going to come back to the store. He inwardly cringes at the titles like _How to keep a guy interested in 30 super sexy ways_—Kanda could use some of that sex appeal everyone seems to think he has—and _Gay is okay_—maybe Kanda just needed to know, you know, that it was totally fine having a man crush. Kanda couldn't say Allen wasn't being supportive, at the very least.

He applauds himself for keeping the smile on when the cashier gives him an all knowing wink—no lady, you seriously _do not_ know—and pats his hand when she hands them over.

_The things I do for you, Kanda_, Allen thinks with a heavy sigh. _The things I do for you._

* * *

Allen isn't _that_ cruel—so he actually finds Kanda to talk about his creepy obsession first. Maybe the half Japanese just needs someone to talk to. Like those heart to heart talks that Kanda is allergic to and might die if they ever stepped on that border. Still, it is all for Kanda's own good. Allen hugs the books he's picked out after skimming them and taking notes just in case the other throws it out like the predictable asshole as he is—all that money could've gone to more food—and kicks Kanda's door open.

One thing about staying in a rented flat in London is that there aren't any locks in any of their doors except for the front door. Which is great because he can bother Kanda whenever he wants to, but the same goes the other way around. In Allen's defense, it's Kanda's fault that both of them don't exercise common courtesies like knocking before entering, because the half Japanese is never sorry when he barges into Allen's room at bad times.

And it's probably one of the worst times that Allen returns the favour.

He only catches a gasp of _fuck, Lavi—_before he drops the books he's holding in shock onto his feet.

Kanda has his hands down his pants and it's very clear what he was doing before he was interrupted. For a few seconds both of them stare at each other in mortification—Kanda, because, well, for obvious reasons, and Allen, because he realises that Kanda's got it really _really_ bad. He scoops up the books as fast as he can whilst managing the pain in his toes, and slams the door back shut.

And then, he doubles over and laughs.

He's still laughing when Kanda yanks the door open and basically chokes him against the wall, eyes burning with fury and face flushed with humiliation.

"Ack—I-I can't breathe—" Allen gasps, scrabbling at the hold around his neck, and then he pauses. "Ugh, could you at least wash your hand before you choke me?"

"It was my other hand," Kanda snaps, and then the red in his face dips darker. "Fuck—goddamn you, what the fuck did you think you were doing?" he snarls.

"It was an accident!" Allen retorts. "How was I supposed to know you were jacking off to Lavi's—"

"Shut the fuck up," Kanda hisses, nails digging hard enough to leave marks. "One word, and I'll fuck you up so hard—"

Allen smirks. "I'm pretty sure _Lavi_ is the one that you want to—ack—K-kanda—let go—gah—"

"Not a fucking word," Kanda glares, releasing Allen when it looked like the abused boy was legitimately going to pass out from the lack of air.

Allen grumbles, rubbing his neck as he takes in deep gulps of air. "It's not a big deal to like someone."

"Shut up."

"You do realize that you actually _like_ someone, right?" Allen squints. "Are you in denial? Because if so, I feel that it's my duty to inform you that staring at Lavi's arse all day doesn't—"

"I said shut the fuck up, you fucking brat!"

Kanda looks like he's on the verge to try out the choking thing again, the kinky bastard, so Allen shoves the books in his arm into Kanda's chest. "You can thank me later, asshole," he sniffs indignantly.

"What the fuck is this?" Kanda squints at the titles, and Allen hurries to catch the books when they're thrown back at him—predictable, as he's said.

"I'm only trying to help you, prick!" he calls as Kanda's door slams shut in his face.

"Go jump off a fucking cliff!" is the muted response.

Huh. Perhaps to get into Kanda's thick skull and its block of a pseudo brain, Allen needs to be more subtle.

* * *

Allen begins his plans the following Monday.

Somehow Lavi sitting with Allen at the second last row of the lecture theater together with the occasional Lenalee becomes a usual. Kanda, the pitiful dork, is at the last row, a few seats away to ensure the ten meter rule. At least Kanda has some code about not skipping classes—if not, Allen's sure he wouldn't even show up as long as the redhead is there. Or maybe Kanda would, since it was his time to gaze at his love/lust interest.

Huh. It's kind of weird to know that Lavi is the ever unattainable Kanda's type—_if_ the other had a type, or just Lavi-sexual, who knows—but he supposes Lavi is pretty attractive even from a purely heterosexual point of view. Maybe Kanda has a thing for redheads. Or maybe it was the Cyclops visual. One eye is kind of rare on humans.

Chapter one of the books that he's bought say something about dolling up sexy to catch the intended's attention. It's kind of annoying that Kanda dresses in nothing but black plain clothes—he really means black shirt, black jeans, black shoes, all to match his black soul. Even so, the jerk gets hit on anyway, so Allen guesses it must be working for him somehow.

Maybe he could convince Lavi on that aspect. Then again, he doesn't actually know if Lavi is gay—or could be convinced to be gay, for that matter. Allen just needs something that would prompt Kanda to be tempted enough to make the first move. Ooh, perhaps making Kanda jealous is the easiest way to go. The half Japanese is almost guaranteed to act rash and do something stupid. Allen is a fucking genius.

At first he plots to use pick up lines but then he doesn't want Lavi to be interested in him—Kanda would piss on his grave after decapitation. Also, he only knows a couple of horribly bad ones from his guardian, those of which he'd rather swallow acid than let pass his lips.

"Hey," Allen nudges Lavi when class is done, and smiles the kind of smile that absolutely pisses Kanda off—because he knows the idiot is watching as long as Lavi is there. "Do you want to come over to my place for some coffee?"

It sounds exactly like an invitation for a date—or maybe sex; coffee is codeword for _an okay to my pants_ in this country after all. Maybe he should've stuck with the bad pick lines.

"Sure," Lavi shrugs, smiling. "Must be nice having your own place instead of living in the dorms—"

"Fuck, no," Kanda hisses, and Allen grins inwardly even though he jumps at the sudden interruption. "He's is not coming over to _our_ place."

"Oh right, you room with Yuu," the redhead blinks, not at all wavered. "Hey, haven't seen you around lately. What's up?" he turns to smile at Kanda, and it is hilarious the way the other backtracks speechless with an oncoming blush.

And then Kanda snaps out of it. "What the—how the fuck do you know my first name?" he growls threateningly, grabbing Lavi by the collar.

He brings the other boy so close to his face that if Allen was cruel enough, he could totally stage a not so accidental kiss. He is, but before he gets his chance, Lavi pries Kanda's grip off calmly.

"Lenalee told me," he answers, still smiling. "I can't believe you have a pronoun for a name. Yuu. You. It's fucking awesome."

Kanda is clearly out of his element here, mouth hanging agape. "I—fuck, quit calling me that," he mutters.

"Whatever you say," Lavi says, not at all bothered. "Well, if Yuu is so against me coming over, you guys can come over to mine instead," he offers.

Allen grins. "How about it, Kanda? Don't you want to see Lavi's bed—" he doubles over when Kanda jams his shinai right into his ribs. "Ow."

"I have a kendo practice to run," he snaps flatly. "You'll pay for that tonight, beansprout," he hisses into Allen's ear before stalking off.

"You bloody jerk!" Allen yells after him, holding his rib like a pregnant lady. "Ow, bloody hell."

Lavi peers at him in concern. "I don't mean to pry," he begins gently. "But you know most BDSM relationships aren't exactly safe. Are you sure you two know what you're doing?"

"What—what?" Allen splutters, coughing at the same time. "Did you just—_what_?"

"Aww, Brit, you don't have to be shy about it with me," the redhead, slings an arm over his shoulder and steers them out of the already empty lecture hall. "Those bruises on your neck are mega obvious."

"And you think it's because of…of…._sex_ with Kanda?" he bursts out, scandalized.

"Some people like it rough," Lavi shrugs. "Yuu certainly looks like he does."

"No," Allen says immediately, grimacing. "Ew. Sex with that insufferable asshole? Not even if you gave me an all pass to unlimited food. Great," he covers his mouth. "You just made me lose my appetite."

"You two have the weirdest relationship ever," Lavi laughs. "Lenalee said you guys were best bros."

_You have no idea_, Allen thinks sullenly.

* * *

Kanda makes good on his promise and Allen nurses the bruise he has on his forehead this time. Well, at least that was _after_ he talks about Lavi's room and Lavi's shelves and Lavi's books and Lavi's bed and Lavi's pillow and Lavi's sheets and Lavi's everything until the metal spoon in Kanda's hand starts to bend.

He actually wants to see Kanda enter Lavi's room while the man is so set on keeping mum about his crush. Perhaps some awkward boner might be popped and Allen would never let Kanda live it down. But, he sighs, as long as Kanda is the kendo captain he's probably going to use it as an excuse to get out of anything Allen plans on a weekday.

And so it was time to get more brains on the operation aka, Lenalee.

"Dude, you're _not_ sleeping with Kanda?" is the first confused question he gets from her.

Allen wants to bang his head on the ground, except that the bruise on his forehead already hurts like a bitch.

"How—why—" he hears his own voice edge into hysterical indignation. "I'm _straight_, Lenalee, unlike the sexuality crisis that the idiot is going through!" he huffs. "Even if I wasn't, why would I ever let _Kanda_ touch me?" and then he gags until Lenalee chuckles. "I might get infected with HIV _and_ his stupidity!"

"Bummer, Lavi had me so convinced," she pouts, and Allen can tell even if it's over the phone. "He said that Kanda is always staring at you during class and I saw it too—"

"That's because he's staring at _Lavi_!" Allen interjects hotly. "God, I'd kill myself if that wasn't true."

"Huh," Lenalee responds, oddly calm. "Are you sure you're not just brushing off the attention because you don't want to think about the possibility that Kanda could want you?"

"I caught Kanda moaning Lavi's name with his hand down his pants," Allen says instead. "It doesn't get any clearer than that."

Lenalee pauses. "Darn," she huffs. "You two would've looked great together."

"Lenalee," Allen facepalms, voice strained. "It's not going to happen. Repeat after me: It's never going to happen. Ever. I'll pay off Cross' debts first."

The girl laughs. "It would've been great, that's all I'm saying. So, you wanted help with getting Red and sour face together?"

Allen sighs, finally glad to be on track. "The evidence that Lavi insists of my hypothetical kinky sex life? They're all from Kanda trying to get me to shut up about Lavi. You should see the faces he makes, Lenalee, they're to die for. Literally," he snorts. "I actually feel _sorry_ for the jerk, he has no clue what to do about his feelings. I don't even think he's held a conversation more than two sentences with Lavi, and it's been two bloody weeks!"

"You're right, he hasn't," Lenalee sounds awed, like she's just gained enlightenment. "I didn't notice because I was always watching you two. Then what are we waiting for? We should totally get them to spend some quality time together!"

"Make a plan that would involve Kanda _not_ running away, I'll make a shrine in honour of you," Allen mutters.

"Consider it done, Al," Lenalee laughs. "Keep your Saturday free. We're going sightseeing."

* * *

"You truly are a miracle, Lenalee," Allen quirks a smile as he joins Lenalee in front of Leicester Square tube station.

"The beansprout's here, can we fucking go now?" Kanda grumbles from his position behind the girl.

Allen trails his eyes to how Lenalee has grabbed hold of Kanda's sleeve just in case the half Japanese decides to high tail. He snickers, wondering what lie Lenalee has told to get Kanda out of the flat since the morning.

"There's still one more person—"

"What the fuck—you told me we were waiting for the bean—"

"—ah, he's here!" Lenalee brightens up, strengthening her grip on Kanda's sleeve. "Lavi, over here!" she calls.

Allen absolutely does not miss the way Kanda's eyes searches out for the redhead's figure, automatically freezing in place when he does. He'd daresay if he gave Kanda a pocketknife, the other might just attempt to commit seppuku.

"What the fuck is the meaning of this?" Kanda demands. "You said we were going to eat soba!"

Ahh, Lenalee really knew how to play dirty. Allen tries to hide the snicker from bursting past his lips, but Kanda turns to him with a death glare anyway.

"You," he snarls, lunging. "What the fuck did you say to Lenalee?"

Luckily Lenalee tugs him by the arm back before damage can occur. "We're just having soba with Lavi too, what's the big deal?" she puts on a confused expression, innocent. "Was Allen supposed to tell me something?"

"I—no—fuck," Kanda grits his teeth, and falls silent when Lavi steps into their circle.

"'Sup, sorry I'm late," Lavi grins sheepishly. "I had to top up my oyster, the queue was mega slow," his eye swivels to Kanda in shock. "Woah, you're here."

"What about it?" Kanda snaps defensively.

Lavi shrugs. "Just an observation. Allen said you were anti-social, but I guess where the Brit goes, so do you, huh? Well, anyway, let's go! I'm fucking starving," he whistles as starts to lead the way, with Lenalee catching up to him.

Allen tries not to bang his head against the nearest hard object. He really needed to make it clear to Lavi that he and Kanda are not doing things together. Especially not in the sexy way. Kanda whacks the back of his head as he turns heel to follow.

"Asshole," Allen mutters, rubbing the sore spot. "Not going to leave? Lavi will be within touching distance," he warns. "Careful not to jump—ow!"

"I was promised soba," Kanda grumbles as they follow the duo out of the tube station.

And it is definitely not because of the view, yeah right, Allen snorts, shaking his head at the creepy fascination Kanda has with watching the redhead's back. He has no more words for it anymore.

* * *

As it turns out, Kanda doesn't even get his soba.

"Fuck you, Lenalee," Kanda glares at the girl, scowling.

"Hush you," Lenalee rolls her eyes. "Udon is great too. Why are you so picky?"

Indeed, _Koya_ served great udon and rice bowls, and Allen found nothing to complain about it, especially not when he was downing his fourth bowl.

"Yuu's favourite food is soba?" Lavi hums, tilting his head. "Is it because you're Japanese?"

Kanda looks startled at being invited into a conversation with the redhead. "What kind of stupid question is that? And quit calling me by my first name!"

Allen tries not to choke at how awfully dense Kanda could be. I mean, there was his crush actually attempting to get to know him more—but no, it was obviously a crash and burn tactic because no one, and Allen means no one, could ever wipe the vulgarities of Kanda's tongue.

"Kanda likes tempura too," Lenalee says on Kanda's behalf. "Oh, Kanda knows this really authentic Jap restaurant up Mornington Crescent, he could bring you there next week!"

"What—"

Lenalee elbows Kanda painfully to shut him up, and leans towards Lavi excitedly. "You like Jap cuisine too right? You definitely have to try _Asakusa_. What do you say?"

"Heh, sure, as long as it doesn't bust my pocket," Lavi shrugs.

"Don't worry, Kanda can pay for you!"

"What the—what the fuck, no I will not!" Kanda snaps, temper at its end.

"Why not?" Lenalee pouts, and Allen just watches the master at work. "Mr Tiedoll doesn't place a limit on your allowance! You could just treat a friend to welcome him to London. It's not like it's a date."

At the mention of a _date_, Kanda's face flushes and he stands up abruptly.

"Dude, where are you—"

"Toilet," Kanda bites out and leaves hastily.

Allen tries not to laugh and ends up choking on a noodle. Lenalee catches his eye and winks.

* * *

"It's not working," Allen grumbles to Lenalee as Lavi is busy taking pictures of the Big Ben and Kanda is being Kanda by stalking him from the back. "Does he even realize he has to _talk_ to Lavi if he wants some of that?"

"At least Kanda's less than ten meters away from Lavi?" Lenalee squints at them. "Actually he looks like he's going to tear the limb off that Italian dude if that guy steps any closer to Red."

"Oh great, a blood bath," Allen mutters. "We should get them alone somewhere. Less collateral damage."

"It's too crowded," Lenalee complains. "Any touristy places we go, there's going to be a ton of people."

"Except one," Allen snaps his fingers. "The London Eye."

"Yeah, with like twenty three other innocents squished into a capsule."

"I'm sure I can manage something," Allen says, lacing his fingers together in thought.

* * *

Allen has to admit he'd actually never sat the London Eye even though he's been in London all his life. It is a touristy thing after all, and him, being not a tourist, saw no reason to dish out more pounds just for a view. Luckily Lavi is enthusiastic about doing all these things, and so they find themselves queuing for a ride.

Allen discovers that the closer proximity that Kanda has to stand next to Lavi, the quieter the half Japanese goes. He can only classify this strange phenomenon as Kanda being _shy_—which is quite a laugh. Except when the kendo captain gets pulled into conversation, then he reacts as violently as predicted.

Allen suddenly wonders if this matchmaking is even a good idea, especially to Lavi's health. Did he really want to subject the redhead to such abuse? Or was Kanda's moping worth the risk?

"Dude, so what's the plan?" Lenalee whispers to him when Lavi is off staring at the huge metal attraction and Kanda is busy checking Lavi out like he has for the past four hours.

"I'm not willing to bribe the attendant to get them alone in a capsule," Allen confesses. "I don't love the idiot that much."

Lenalee pouts. "Well, we can get them in a separate capsule from us for starters. Lavi's sure to try and talk to Kanda in the half an hour they're together."

"Excellent," Allen nods, and enthusiastically raises his hand when the attendant calls for a two persons group to fill a capsule.

"We decided it'll be faster if we split up and I'm sick of waiting," Lenalee explains, grabbing Allen's hand. "See you guys on the flip side!"

* * *

"Fuck," Kanda mutters to himself when he's stuck in a capsule with the redhead (and with twenty two strangers). He grips the railings tight and watches as the capsule lifts off the group. "Fuck."

He warily eyes the redhead at the other side with his camera in hand, face pressed to the glass taking pictures. Fuck, he was so going to murder the other two. _Faster if we split up my ass_, Kanda thinks with spite. Contrary to popular belief, Kanda actually knows what the fuck the albino Brit and Chinese girl are up to. At least, after this pathetic stunt, he knows. He's not that blind or stupid.

"Yuu," Lavi speaks way too close to his ear and he jumps, scowling.

"I said don't call me that!" he snarls, ignoring the automatic flush colouring his neck.

Fuck, he really hated how the redhead got so attached to calling his first name, because it was an _intimate_ thing, and—

"Why not?"

Kanda grits his teeth. He'd rather die and admit the truth. "It's…it's…"

Lavi raises his eyebrows and waits patiently. Kanda would think the redhead is actually having fun watching him struggle with an explanation, but he doesn't know the other enough to be sure. Fuck, he did _not_ think that it was a turn on. Fuck no.

"Would you prefer me to call you 'Yuu-chan' instead?" Lavi smirks when Kanda falters in speech. "_Douchi mou ii?_ (Which one is better?)"

The kendo captain is legitimately in shock. "_Kisama _(Asshole)," he hisses when he finds his voice. "_Doushite nihongo ga shiteimasu?_ (Why do you know Japanese?)"

"_Nande ore wa nihongo wo shiteiru koto ga dekinai?_ (Why can't I know Japanese?)" Lavi pouts, words rolling out like easy velvet. "_Hora, kimi wa tsui ni ore to hanashimasu._ (Look, you're finally talking to me.)."

Kanda absolutely, _absolutely_ does not blush. "Tch," he grinds out, pointedly looking out of the pod. "Why does it matter?"

"_Tomodachi, darou?_ (We're friends, right?)" Lavi smiles, and Kanda hates how he just wants to jump off the fucking London Eye to get rid of the fast thumping in his chest.

"_Dare ga kisama to tomodachi ni naritai, baka usagi_ (Who would want to be friends with you, stupid rabbit.)," he mutters instead.

"_Yuu-chan wa hidoi _(You're mean.)," Lavi whines with the most obnoxious voice ever, and somehow by the end of the thirty minute ride, Kanda finds himself with Lavi's number in his phone.

* * *

"He gave you his number!" Lenalee squeals, hugging Kanda's pillow as she makes herself at home on his bed. "Mission success!" she laughs slapping a high five with Allen. "So how did it go? Were you the one to ask him?" she presses excitedly but then shakes her head. "But knowing Lavi, he probably stole your phone and put it in like he did with mine."

It's not really a big deal considering that Allen and Lenalee have Lavi's number since forever, but Allen guesses the addition of a new number to Kanda's phone is what counts for a celebration. There are like, three (now four) contacts the poor man's address log after all.

"Fuck you both," Kanda grumbles, but it's obvious he's in a good mood because he hasn't dragged them both out yet from his room. "I knew you were fucking up to something!"

"And it _worked_," Lenalee grins. "God, if I had known earlier you had hots for Lavi we could be further down the train ride instead of you pining for two weeks!"

"I don't—"

Allen and Lenalee took their sweet time out to look at Kanda with various levels of pity.

"I've seen surgeons concentrating on operations with less intensity then you staring at Red," Lenalee shakes her head. "Why do you like Lavi, anyway? Is it because you think he's hot?" she presses. "Hot like burning? Sex on legs?"

"W-what the fuck," Kanda splutters. "What the—fuck—"

"Huh, they seem to be popular adjectives in romantic teenage fiction," Lenalee muses. "Thought it might apply to your case too."

"Lenalee's got a point though," Allen rubs his chin. "What is it about Lavi that's got you simpering like a prepubescent girl? I'm curious."

It takes at about an hour before their incessant badgering irritates Kanda enough to yell something along the lines of _everything, fuck, it's just him, you fucking assholes_ and that is when Allen can't take it anymore and bursts into laughter.

He doesn't think he's ever seen Kanda flustered enough to rival a tomato in its colour.

It's excellent.

* * *

If Allen thought that Kanda having Lavi's number would move the snail's pace at which Kanda tries to woo the love of his life, then he was fucking wrong. Now it consists of Allen barging to Kanda's room by accident to find him staring at his phone, and then throwing the said phone to the other side of the room when he's interrupted.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"I was going to ask if you've done the essay due tomorrow, but I see that you're busy waiting for Lavi's call."

"I wasn't—"

"You have to take the first step," Allen advises, ducking to avoid the stack of papers labeled _essential reading_ thrown in his direction. "Invite him out somewhere."

"Shut up, beansprout—" and then the retort dies when the phone vibrates from its position on the ground.

Their eyes meet for a second before both of them lunge for the gadget, Allen swiping it just out of Kanda's reach due to the fact that he was nearer to it.

"Fuck, give it back!"

Allen ignores the curses and flips the clampshell open, grinning when he sees a new text from none another than…_Usagi_? He isn't fluent in Japanese but he knows a couple of words, and this is one of them.

"Rabbit?" Allen blinks. "You call him a _rabbit_?" his voices starts to edge into a tease that he knows will drive the other up the wall. "Is it because you think he's cute? Oh, you do, don't you? Oh god, I have to tell Lenalee—" he rushes to his room with maximum haste, dodging the swipe aiming for his neck and slams the door shut into Kanda's face.

"Fucking brat!" Kanda yells across the door, banging loud enough to wake the entire building. "Give me back my phone!"

Allen tries to hold the door shut with his body weight as he sneaks a peek into the text message. If Kanda and Lavi are texting each other then clearly there is some progress that is happening which he doesn't know about. Allen blinks when the message displays just a long spam of emoticons, with no words at all.

More curiously, the rest of the messages in Kanda's folder consists of more emoticon spam, except for the occasional _Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu reply meeeeeeeeeeeeeee_ and _aww you're no fun_ and Kanda's sent folder just has two messages of _no_ and _quit texting me asshole_.

Huh. Seems like Kanda is Kanda even if it's a Kanda with a crush.

It's disappointing, to be honest.

Hence, it is time for plan three.

* * *

Allen expands his research to include those Japanese girl comics that Lenalee likes to read, or at least he doesn't protest when she brings over a pile of volumes ranging from _Ao Haru Ride_ to _Kyo, Koi wo Hajimemasu_ after class while Kanda is out in the gym.

"I was thinking we should totally do the locker confession scenario. It's a classic, it's bound to work," Lenalee says, handing the books over. "Or maybe an accidental kiss?"

"Except we have no lockers," Allen points out. "And it's bloody hard to trip the idiot. Have you tried? I guess all that kendo does something for his balance."

"Well, just the first one then. We don't need a locker. We just need to get them at a deserted place with a message like 'I need to tell you something', easy," Lenalee says.

"Uh, Lenalee," Allen holds one of the volumes back to her. "I think you put this in here by accident."

The cover does not have a cheesy picture of a couple, instead, it's a picture of a naked guy drawn with careful attention to his abs and pecs and maybe also the accessory at his _ahem_ important area. _Pet Keiyaku_, the title reads, and Allen doesn't even want to know.

"That's for Kanda," Lenalee smiles. "If he, you know, needs some…fodder for his imagination to help him through his terrible heartache."

"…I'll pass it along," he promises.

* * *

As it turns out, it's ridiculously easy to execute the plan. Allen steals Kanda's phone while he's in the shower in the morning and texts Lavi '_I have something to confess_. _Meet me at the science library rooftop after class_.'. Before he sends it he reads it and thinks the proper grammar and capital letters are too much of a deviation from the other's true character, so he ends up killing his brain trying to squeeze in a curse somewhere. Lenalee does her job by using Lavi's phone to type a similar message, and both of them huddle behind the wall as they watch Lavi tap Kanda's shoulder at the appointed time and place.

"Can't say I'm not surprised that you called me out here, Yuu-chan," Lavi says, grinning. "What's up about this confession?"

Allen swears he sees Kanda has the look of someone whose life has just flashed by, but then Kanda suddenly narrows his eyes. "I did not ask you to meet me. And if you call me that fucking name one more time…"

"But you sent me a text," Lavi blinks, digging into his pocket for his phone. "Here."

Kanda ignores the fact that their shoulders are touching as he leans over to read it. "It's their sick idea of a fucking joke," he fumes. "Fucking hell, I'm going to fuck the stupid bean—"

"Oh Allen," Lavi suddenly turns around, and Allen squeaks in surprise from where he was peeking at them from. "Hey."

Allen shoots Lenalee a panicked look and Lenalee shoves him out into the open with a mustered nod. _Play it cool_, she mouths.

"Uh, hey," Allen greets lamely. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh man, I'm so sorry I messed it up," Lavi says sheepishly, threading his fingers through his hair. "I'll make it up to you guys, I promise!"

Allen frowns, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Roleplaying, right? The ultimate high school confession scenario," the redhead continues unabashed. "Yuu sent me a text meant for you by accident. I'll just leave you two to it, sorry for ruining the set up!" he clasps his hands together before giving a careless backwave as he turns to leave. "I'm sure the sex will still be great!"

"What—Lavi, no—" Allen splutters, hurriedly grabbing Lavi by the arm. "You have it wrong, we're not—"

Any explanation that he wants to conjure was effectively silenced by the fact that he trips in his haste and ends up dragging Lavi down with him. It wouldn't be so bad if the final position didn't involve his mouth on top of the other's.

Apparently the 'accidental kiss' cliché wasn't so hard to perform after all.

Allen pushes himself off in shock, colour draining from his face because he was absolutely going to _die_.

"I—sorry! I didn't mean to kiss you, I swear I didn't!" Allen babbles, getting to his feet. "Kanda, I didn't—"

"Save it," Kanda doesn't even look at him when he storms out, door shutting with a dreaded click after he's gone.

"Ah…" Lavi winces, rubbing his neck. "He's the jealous type isn't he? Don't worry, Allen! I'll explain, and you two can have make up sex! It'll be fine!" he assures.

Allen just groans into his palms.

* * *

"I vote for telling Lavi that Kanda is into him," Allen states firmly, arms across his chest.

"Denied," Lenalee says immediately, spooning her ice cream into her mouth as they sit at a corner of a dessert cafe. "Kanda has to be the one to tell Lavi."

"You know he's never going to do it, the bloody coward!" Allen gripes, shoving his own spoon of ice cream into his mouth. "Lavi still thinks Kanda and I are gay together. You know what I am not?" he huffs. "Gay."

"Says the one who just had a lip lock with someone of the same gender."

"It was an accident!" Allen grumbles. "And now Kanda is waiting at home to snap my neck—"

"He won't kill you," Lenalee pats his arm. "Much."

"Much," Allen repeats sourly. "Stupid troublesome jerk. Why are we even trying anyway? Kanda seems to be perfectly fine having Lavi as his jerk off material."

"For one, we wouldn't have this much fun at his expense," Lenalee grins. "And dude, Kanda getting a boyfriend? That would be funniest thing since sliced bread."

"But you thought him and I were—"

"I said boyfriend, not friends with benefits."

"Ouch," Allen blinks, pressing his palm against his chest.

"In any case, it just means we have to push Kanda more," Lenalee decides. "Maybe your kiss with Lavi isn't a waste. Maybe it's making Kanda think of what he can have."

"The idiot, thinking?" Allen snorts, and he's obviously just being spiteful. "I'll be the Queen of England first."

* * *

Kanda actually punches him on the back of his head when he comes home. Allen is glad only because it shows that the half Japanese has much more intense feelings about the redhead than he lets on. He isn't glad about the loss of brain cells and the sore bump on his skull. Nonetheless, he has good evidence to tease the other about his jealousy, going so far as to egg Kanda to grab Lavi and kiss him if he's so bothered Allen's opportunity.

It's clear that the kendo captain has thought of it judging by the splutter, lack of retort and the door slam, and it makes Allen feel better about the pain on his head.

* * *

"Hey, Lavi—" Allen greets the redhead when he sees him in lecture, and stops when he notices bruises on his neck. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Lavi laughs and waves off the hands demanding for a closer look. "You had them before, you tell me."

Allen gapes. "…Kanda?" he blinks. "You're seriously telling me that Kanda did this to you?" he pauses again. "Wait, so he finally told you?"

"Tell me what?" Lavi asks, confused. "I tried to apologize for the kiss and Yuu started to strangle me. He was very adamant that nothing was going on between you two, for some reason."

"That's because there _is_ nothing between us two," Allen groans, but he's impressed by Lavi's bravery. Seems like Kanda chooses his prizes where they count. "I'd rather stab myself with a pike first."

"Well, it's hard to believe from his side," Lavi jerks his head towards Kanda who is sitting further away than usual, but is still staring at them creepily.

Allen sighs heavily. "He's not looking at me, he's looking at—"

"Morning guys," Lenalee interrupts just as he's about to spill the beans.

She shoots Allen a warning look and smiles sweetly to Lavi who moves down a seat to let her take the aisle seat.

"We're having a social tonight," she announces. "8 p.m. at the common room. Lavi, do you want to try and bring Kanda along?"

"I'm sure if the Allen comes, Yuu would, right?" Lavi cocks his eyebrow.

Lenalee chuckles, amused. "Sometimes, but not all the time. Well, we try in turn, so it's your turn this time. Want to give it a go?"

Lavi hums. "Do I go over to his place to drag him, or…?"

"Perfect," Lenalee nods. "Oh, and remember to dress nice."

* * *

When Allen hums and adjusts his tie standing in front of the bathroom mirror, Kanda actually appears behind him, biting into an apple.

"Brat," he begins, looking suspicious. "Not going to convince me to go?"

"Why, do you want me to?" Allen raises his eyebrows. "I thought you swore you were never going to another social after that one wherein you met your one true love—" he ducks in time to avoid the swipe aiming for his head. "It's not a big deal if you want to come," he grins. "After all, Lavi will be there."

"I don't care," Kanda huffs, biting into the last of his apple. "Just remember to bring your fucking keys. I won't open the damn door when you come back."

And then a knock on the door rasps, because Lavi has perfect timing.

"Hi," Allen says, trying to stifle his snicker as he feels Kanda freeze to sub zero behind him when he goes to let the redhead in. "Any problems finding your way?"

"Nah, it was mega easy," Lavi smiles, tapping his head. "Oh, you look good, Brit."

"Thanks, same to you."

The redhead has taken Lenalee's advice, because he looks pretty classy with a button up shirt under his winter coat. He's also left his hair down, styling it slightly messy with a bit of wax. "Hmm, nice place you have—Yuu!" he brightens up when he sees the half Japanese, standing like a stone. "Quick, you gotta change or we'll be late!"

Kanda visibly snaps out of his daze and glares. "Late for what?"

"Our date!"

Lavi is beaming so brightly that Allen thinks he's going to need sunglasses, but that would totally dampen the view of Kanda's flabbergasted expression.

"W-what?" the other coughs out.

"The social, what else?" Lavi rolls his eye, still smiling. "Since it's my turn to get you to come, I'm not going to leave until you do so," he states.

"Fuck you," Kanda hisses, turning away quickly to escape to his room, except the redhead bounds after him.

"Ohh, let me see your room!"

"Fuck—usagi—get the fuck out of my—"

"Why so secretive? Do you have a stash of porn mags that you—woah, is that a real katana? That's fucking sick! Oh shit, can I touch it? Can I?"

"No—fuck—wait—don't open that you fucking—"

"Dude! How rich are you? I saw this jacket selling for seven hundred pounds! If you're not going to wear it then—"

"—give it back—quit messing with my fucking clothes you—"

Allen blinks as after thirty minutes later, Kanda is being dragged along to the social by Lavi's arm around his neck.

Wow. He didn't even have to do _anything_.

* * *

_Seven minutes in heaven_ is the only party game Lenalee can get the cohort to play, because quite a few of their classmates are attached and she doesn't want some teenage drama to occur over a simple kiss or stupid dare. Unless it is Kanda's unfolding drama, then maybe. She grins when she sees her favourite boys make their entrance fashionably late—there is no doubt to whose fault it is.

"You," Kanda glares at her when he manages to throw off the arm from Lavi. "This is your fault."

"You could've said no," she smiles, batting her eyelashes innocently. "Or did you not want to upset Lavi?"

"He's fucking persistent," Kanda grits out.

"And you're equally stubborn," she points out. "Glad to know there's _someone_ you'd make an exception for."

"I didn't—it's not because of the usagi—fuck, I hate you," Kanda concludes, stalking off with a huff.

Lenalee lets the half Japanese wallow in his indignance as she claps her hands to gain the attention of everyone in the room. "So, since everyone has arrived, we can begin the game!"

Several hoots fill the air, and Daisya immediately shouts. "KANDA! I VOTE FOR THE PRICK!"

Kanda swivels at the sound of his name, temper starting to flare. "WHAT THE FUCK—"

Allen raises his hand too. "I say Lavi should give it a try!" he speaks loud enough for everyone to hear earning a murmur and a few enthusiastic nods.

"Give what a try?" Lavi asks after he swallows a mouthful of punch.

"Seven minutes in heaven," Lenalee explains with a grin. "Sorry Red, but we play by votes. Who's up for Kanda and Lavi?"

It seems like it's a sealed deal judging from the response of the class, most likely because forcing the anti-social asshole into close contact with someone is bound to be entertaining, as it already is.

"Fuck, fuck no," Kanda backs away, edging towards the door. "You fucking idiots—"

"Don't be a sissy, Kanda," Daisya smirks, grabbing the kendo captain into a hold. "Guys! A little help here!" he calls when Kanda struggles, snapping curses along the way.

It takes about five guys to manhandle Kanda into a janitor closet along the corridor just outside their common room, and Lavi is stuffed in at the last minute before the door slams shut behind them. Everyone crowds around the door and waits with bated breath for something to occur, and Kanda does not disappoint.

In less than thirty seconds, the locked door actually busts open.

"What the fuck—where the fuck do you think you're touching?" Kanda yells, red faced as he stumbles out of the closet.

"I—there wasn't any space!" Lavi shouts back, defensive. "And you kept shifting! It's not my fault that I touched your—"

Kanda isn't having any of it as he storms out of the building angrily, footsteps echoing.

"Pft," Daisya is first to break the silence, snicker spilling out. "Lavi, what did you touch?"

"His chest?" Lavi grumbles, crossing his arms. "It's not like I touched his dick."

"With that reaction you might as well have," Daisya laughs, wiping a tear from his eye. "Fuck, let's do it again."

They would, except Kanda's probably fuming his way home.

* * *

"It doesn't make sense!" Allen paces in the empty common room, save Lenalee after the social. "He had the perfect chance to make out with Lavi but he didn't! Absolute bollocks!"

"Well, he knew everyone was listening at the door," Lenalee shrugs.

"Yeah, but I thought he'd at least enjoy the sexual tension for more than thirty seconds," Allen huffs. "What are we going to do about the broken door?"

"My brother will deal with it," Lenalee promises. "Or at least, Mr Tiedoll will, if the school insurance doesn't cover 'breaking doors due to embarrassment'."

"I'm out of ideas," Allen admits, sighing. "Kanda's destined a life with his hand. I'm sorry I even tried."

"Don't be so pessimistic," Lenalee chides. "I have one last thing that we can try, but if it doesn't work, I'm out too."

"Huh. Bring it."

* * *

Allen doesn't actually know it's a plan until he realises he's watching a porno with Lavi and Kanda.

Perhaps he should start from the beginning.

It's been two weeks since the failed get-them-into-a-closet incident, and Lenalee hasn't brought up any details about the last plan she is aiming to execute. Lavi nudges him one day after class and hands him a blank case with a CD inside.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Lenalee said you guys like to watch movies as a manly bonding activity," Lavi tells him. "She said since Yuu hasn't been interacting lately with us, we should watch this together."

Well, it is true that one of the rare times when Kanda and he aren't bickering is when they are watching movies, since they have somewhat similar tastes. Somewhat, because Kanda likes those gory blood splattering action fighting scenes, while Allen is more partial towards the whole screaming and horror genre.

"Which movie is this?" he squints at the dodgy case.

"I dunno," Lavi shrugs. "But I'm free today, and so are you guys, so I'd thought I'd come over. If not, we can do it another time."

And so after strapping Kanda to chair, literally, they had to make do with Allen's neck ties, Allen and Lavi sit at the opposite sides of Kanda just in case the man breaks loose and ditches their bonding session. It's great to see that Lavi catches on so fast to the quirks of Kanda Yuu—he doesn't even blink when Kanda spews curses at him, and Allen thinks it's awesome that Kanda likes someone who accepts his offensive ways. It certainly makes the attempted relationship a lot more probable.

"I'm killing you fuckers if you don't untie me right this instant!" Kanda hisses.

"You'll kill us anyway," Allen retorts easily, poking Kanda on the cheek just because he can. "Shut up and enjoy our company, jerk."

"I'd rather play in traffic," Kanda bites back.

Lavi laughs as he loads the CD unto Allen's computer, and they sit back waiting for the movie to start. It begins when the scene fades to reveal a kitchen, with two guys standing side by side apparently making dinner. Allen tries to put a name to the faces because that's how he can at least guess what movie they're watching, and then he notices the important bit.

One of them is totally naked under an apron.

"Uh…Lavi…?" he begins cautiously.

Lavi glances at him. "Hmm?"

Allen isn't exactly sure, but from the way the dialogue is going and how the friendly nudging starts to look like they're _lingering_…"This looks like a really bad set up like a—"

Kanda makes a strangled sound like he's going to die, and both of them jolt back to look at the screen where one of the guys basically grabs the other by the apron and basically _devours_ his mouth.

"This is definitely not the genre I was expecting," Lavi blinks, but he doesn't sound fazed. "Well, who am I to judge, right? How do you guys do this?"

"Wha—" Allen startles, and then he realises that Lavi thinks _gay porn watching_ is their bonding activity.

He resists the urge to rush to the toilet to vomit his lunch, but he quickly catches on that this is Lenalee's plan. Of out of all the things he's done to help Kanda, this might be crossing the line. Allen steels his facial expression and forces himself to look back at the screen. It's hard not to wince at how the two men's tongues are slipping against each other enthusiastically, complete with erotic moaning.

"Turn it off," Kanda growls, starting to struggle against his bonds again. "This is fucking sick—"

"Don't be a hypocrite, Kanda," Allen says, killing himself in the inside for it. "Lavi's up for it."

Lavi shrugs. "I've seen worse," he says in response. "Or better, depending on which way you want to call it."

Allen watches Lavi watch the screen with the blankest expression ever—he doesn't understand how anyone can not be uncomfortable at the sounds of open mouthed lip smacking or the fact that obvious boners were involved in the video.

"Woah, now that's probably the biggest dick I've seen," Lavi comments casually as though he's talking about the weather. "Hmm…seems like Lenalee has some taste."

Allen has to admit it's one of the better made adult videos he's seen—in his defense, he would just like to mention about his _guardian_—and so even if he's entirely heterosexual and actually in love with a manipulative lady, a few minutes in, he's fighting a growing problem in his lower area. He bites his lip and musters all his dignity to not let out a horrified wince when one of the guys in the video goes on his knees and opens his mouth for a blowjob–oh fuck, he was never going to be able to rinse the image out from his brain.

Lavi certainly seems to be unaffected going by the way the redhead just blinks curiously at every moan emitted from the speakers, and Kanda—well. Kanda is just staring at the redhead with his lips parted, breaths coming out shakily, ignoring whatever that's happening on the screen. He's also very obviously sporting a more massive problem than Allen, considering that tent in his pants. There's no way to hide it since his hands are tied to the chair—which, on hindsight, seems to be the best idea Allen's ever had.

Well, Lavi can't be _that_ blind, even with one eye, so Allen takes the chance to high tail out of there before he loses his dignity completely.

"I...uh, I need the restroom," he blurts and stands up so fast that the chair screeches, and bolts out of his room to the toilet.

Kanda jolts when he hears the movement, and only manages a "Let me go first, you fucking—" before Allen closes the door of the bathroom.

Allen breathes heavily and tries to think of unsexy thoughts to will his erection down—he will never live it down if he actually jerked off to a gay porno, bloody hell, but the first thing that pops into his mind is Lenalee and that does not help a single bit.

After a few minutes Allen realises he's basically left Lavi alone with a horny Kanda, and he's deathly curious as to how it would play out. So he creaks the bathroom door open and squints through the gap, thankful that his room is just opposite.

The two are still watching the video—it seems to have progressed to some penetration of some sort, going by the enthusiastic _fuck, you're so tight_ grunts and moans and Kanda is squirming more than ever in his seat. It seems like the half Japanese doesn't want to call the redhead in case he notices his aroused state—but of course, it's bound to happen.

Lavi actually laughs when he looks over at Kanda, and Allen tries not to feel too much sympathy for the jerk.

"Fuck you—untie me!" Kanda demands, expression defiant even as he's burning with humiliation. "Fucking asshole—"

"I can help you," Lavi drops his voice low, suddenly leaning into his personal space.

It's clear that Kanda doesn't expect it, because the half Japanese starts to stutter. "W-what are you—"

"I can help you," Lavi repeats, this time a smirk adorning his lips.

Kanda's eyes widen, but he's speechless.

"But you'll have to tell me what you want," Lavi continues, placing a palm on Kanda's thigh, and then slowly dragging it up to his hip, careful to avoid the bulge. "Yuu-chan."

And then Allen nearly topples out of the bathroom from leaning against the door too much because suddenly _Lavi_ is _frenching_ Kanda and he doesn't know how it happened? It appears that Kanda is clearly enjoying it from the loud moan that rips from his throat. The tongue battle continues until Lavi pulls back abruptly, licking his lips.

"I can fuck you if you want," the redhead smirks wider, now both hands on Kanda's hips. "Come on, Yuu. You've been watching me since I met you," he purrs. "How long are you going to make me wait?"

Allen can see the realization of Lavi knowing about Kanda's crush but purposely pretending not to dawning upon the other like he's just been told someone broke Mugen, and to be honest, Allen feels the same way.

What the hell?

"If you fucking knew then why didn't you…"

"…make the first move?" Lavi completes the sentence when Kanda refuses to admit anything more. "I wanted to see what you would do."

Which is absolutely _nothing_, Allen thinks with a huff, and he's sure Lavi agrees.

"You know," Lavi continues, this time moving one of his hands to press against Kanda's erection. "I felt _this_ in the closet," he lowers his lips to speak into Kanda's ear, drawing out a strangled moan from how he increases the pressure. "I wanted to blow you there and then."

Oh dear god, Allen realises that they're in _his_ room, and he really doesn't want them to have sex in his room if that's the direction that it's going to go. He's really happy for Kanda and Lavi's apparent love for dirty talk, but there are just some things he really doesn't need to know, like the sound of Kanda's groan when Lavi frees Kanda's hardened cock from his pants and wraps his hand around it.

Oh god, Allen _really_ does not want them to have sex in his room. He really doesn't. He might just have to burn _everything_ and he doesn't want to buy his limited edition Alien blu-ray collection again.

The plan to interrupt them fails the moment Lavi straddles Kanda and continues his hand in pleasuring the one he's sitting on, nuzzling Kanda's neck and then biting on it.

"—ngh—hah, L-_lavi_—" is the gasp that Kanda involuntarily makes, eyes screwed shut.

Lavi pauses long enough to pull out his own erection and shoves their hips together, and Allen tries to pretend he's never heard how vocal Kanda can be. He also realises with a growing horror that he's actually getting hard at the sight of his two friends in mutual masturbation, which is about the worst thing that could ever happen.

He tries to think of really unsexy thoughts—like his guardian—but then now Lavi's groaning is filtering into his headspace, and he's at the point where a cold shower is probably the only thing that might help. Hurriedly he strips his shirt and unbuttons his pants, but at the moment of temporary relief he gives into temptation and palms his cock.

He shudders and curses Kanda and Kanda and everything is fucking Kanda's fault that he's jacking off in the bathroom to the most humiliating reason ever.

"Come for me, Yuu," Allen hears Lavi murmur, and then there's a loud shuddering gasp followed by a curse that slips past Lavi's lips, and finally, heavy breathing.

Ugh, surely Lenalee didn't intend for this to happen—

It's probably not a good idea to think about Lenalee, because he comes immediately all over his hand.

Fuck, he's never going to forgive himself.

* * *

He's been sexiled.

Allen cannot believe his life because Kanda Yuu is obviously the _worst_ best friend in history.

Kanda owes him _so fucking much_ for his newly attained boyfriend. Instead, how the half Japanese repays him is by inviting Lavi over to have sex in his room every day. Loudly.

(Allen has burned the chair Kanda was sitting on. It makes him feel better. Slightly.)

"Well, at least Kanda's happy," Lenalee tries to console him.

He's shown up at Lenalee's flat with a sleeping bag and ready to grovel to let him stay over—he doesn't even care if he has to sleep in the kitchen, nor does he care that her brother would absolutely rip his intestines out if the other found out—but he just needs one measly night of uninterrupted sleep instead of the past five listening to the sounds of lovemaking. Or hard fucking, if he wanted to be precise.

"Stupid prick," Allen grumbles. "Why am I such a good friend?" he wonders. "I should've let him wallow in his pathetic pining!"

"Lavi would've made a move some time," Lenalee says. "He really had me there. The way he talked about you and Kanda, I never thought for once that he even noticed Kanda that way himself!"

"You and me both," he sighs, sticking his legs out as he leans against the foot of her bed. "It was funny while it lasted, I suppose. I'm so bored now," he complains.

"We can always plan a date for them," Lenalee grins. "The cheesiest date ever. Kanda will puke rainbows."

"I would love to see that," Allen admits with a laugh. "The idiot better treat Lavi right. After all that trouble we went through…"

He still can't get over the fact that Kanda wasn't even able to confess his feelings—it took his target of affection to put moves on him instead. Now come on, that doesn't happen in real life. Kanda's just a lucky bastard and Allen doesn't have that kind of luck. Well, he doesn't need that kind of luck. He's definitely not as pathetic as the jerk.

He looks over at Lenalee.

He's definitely not.

"Lenalee?" he ventures carefully.

"Hmm?"

He takes a deep breath. "If…if I asked you out on a date, would you say yes?"

Lenalee's eyes widen in surprise but her lips curl into a smile seconds later. "That depends…" she hums. "Are you asking?"

Allen forces himself to meet her eyes resolutely, even if he's blushing. "Yes."

"Then my answer would be," she smiles. "Where to?"

* * *

**Fin.**

_-all that is gold does not glitter-_

* * *

**A/N**: Written for a couple of reasons:

1) I wanted a fic wherein Kanda is the one with a crush heh

2) I wanted to try something purely (well, mostly) from Allen's POV

3) The idea of them watching a gay porno together was the most hilarious thing ever

In the end it isn't as funny as I thought it would be, but since I wrote it, here it is. Allen swears too little, my clean British man. Oh well, this is my attempt for the most Yullen thing I can probably write.

Side note: My Japanese is clearly deteriorating like acid rain on pyramids, please excuse it.

I tried a slightly different style of writing too (with Allen being the main), so tell me what you think!


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